It appears I have picked the dreaded C-19 in VIRAL BINGO.
I’ve had a lot of time to think about good things and boring things. I’ve undone years of crossword sobriety by logging at least 17 games yesterday. 19 ACROSS: Stay safe. SOLUTION: Stay home.
I also started to think about how, in an alternate world, I would launch THE LAST LOOSE TOOTH.
I would first rent a red vehicle. It would be impossibly small. Definitely Italian. Imagine an elven truck for one, but with a CB radio and unnecessary hydraulics. The tires would be bouncy rubber lifesavers, like the kind you might toss from a painted wooden sailboat. In the flatbed, there would be half a loveseat, a kitchenette with a red blender, and an outrageously large brass espresso machine.
Surprise!
The espresso machine is actually a French horn! It still makes coffee, but oddly in a way that is no longer popular. A café au lait for you, and you, and you!
This truck would have a kinetic vending machine that would dispense free bamboo toothbrushes to all the children. The vending machine would actually be a robot with a sparkling smile. The robot would also sell the book, but at a very good price!
Would this robot do readings in parking lots here, near, and far? Yes! She would do that!
This robot would need a name, and she would choose it on the seventh day. This robot would not take jobs away from any hard-working Americans but one (me).
Together we would travel from library to library in New England, saying hello to family along the way. At our leisure, we would tootle over to Lexington, Kentucky, where I was born, then dive down to the Keys so I could say hello to an old friend in the Gambino mafia family.
It would be time then, no doubt, to rat-a-tat-tat to New Orleans, and if ever we could leave the French Quarter—truck-willing—we’d make a final jaunt to California before heading home to Canada. Back in Toronto for a tune-up and battery charge, I’d notice someone had written WASH ME in the dust covering the backside of the truck. A shampoo and rinse later, we’d fire up the truck again, this time with Winnipeg, Banff, and Victoria in our sights.
P.S.
It turns out there is a real-life way to join me and She-Ra 1000 as we launch this next silly book. If you pre-order THE LAST LOOSE TOOTH (a book loosely inspired by Paul Simon’s 50 WAYS TO LEAVE YOUR LOVER), send me a confirmation of the transaction (and your mailing address), and I’ll send you a signed and numbered toothy art print of Lou when I’m back at my desk. I don’t know how all the bookish things work, but I know that pre-sales are very important, especially right now. <3
LINKS TO PRE-ORDER:
ON SALE AT BARNES & NOBLE:
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-last-loose-tooth-tyler-clark-burke/1136399059?ean=9780593121443
ON SALE AMAZON USA:
https://www.amazon.com/Loose-Tooth-Tyler-Clark-Burke/dp/0593121449/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=the+last+loose+tooth&qid=1586020017&sr=8-1
INDIGO CANADA:
https://www.chapters.indigo.ca/en-ca/books/the-last-loose-tooth/9780593121443-item.html?link-usage=Header%3A%20English
AMAZON CANADA:
https://www.amazon.ca/Loose-Tooth-Tyler-Clark-Burke/dp/0593121449
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You can also pre-order THE LAST LOOSE TOOTH through your favorite local bookseller!